It’s long, but worth it.

I have been busy over at the other place, and since I know most of my readers here have not bothered to enroll there just to read me more, I will bring some of it back here so you don’t have to. Fair? A couple of days ago I posted an entry which more or less complained about the joys of being female, as follows:

Men claim they do not understand women.  Women are quixotic, changeable, they are pulled with the tides, bleed with the phases of the moon, and turn with the seasons.  Men are stable, stolid, constant.  Things change around them, but they themselves do not.  When they complain that their women are flighty, emotional and unpredictable, they do not realize that we are not like them, that much of what we experience internally is a direct result of our bodies being at the mercy of the moon.

While there are a lot of perks to being female, it isn’t always fun.  We start menstruating at age 11, 12, 13, 14, and so on, depending on factors such as heredity, growth, body fat, etc.  All that blood leaving our bodies every month for years can lead to anemia.  The hormones which regulate this ebb and flow make us alternately weepy, elated, angry, compassionate.  Pregnancy and childbirth are two more insults to our corporeal existence, without which there would be no continuation of the species.  It often seems unfair that after having the number of children we want, we can’t simply turn off the switch that allows our bodies to be in constant readiness for the housing and nourishing of the next foetus.

When the body finally decides that enough is enough, the switch doesn’t just go from an ON to OFF position.  Would that it did!  No, the change from fecundity to sterility can take years, during which time the body continues to betray the woman who is trapped within.  I have been menstruating since I was 11.  Now, almost 50, I feel that it is high time those juices stopped flowing.  It has been 17 years since my womb last produced fruit, but in all that time it has continued in a state of readiness, lest some wayward pollen meet my figurative pistil.  Sorry boys, even with a tubal ligation and no chance of pregnancy occurring, my hormones still think there might be an opportunity to continue being fruitful and multiplying.

Enter the hot flashes.  Unless you get them, you have no idea how irksome they are.  There I am, sitting quietly in the classroom, minding my own business, bundled up against fall’s chill, when suddenly I’m sweating, flapping the neck of my turtleneck sweater, glaring at the young man staring at me with amusement.  Or I’m sleeping blissfully in my wee bed when suddenly I’m awakened by a sensation of heat.  I throw off the comforter to neutralize my glow in the cold air of the bedroom, when the flash is gone as quickly as it arrived, and I’m freezing from the cooling sweat on me and soaking my pyjamas.

Menopause is not a disease.  There is no cure but time itself.  And yet, I hear men talking about their wives going through “the change” as though there is something wrong about all this, probably because it inconveniences them to have the covers thrown off at night (or onto them from the other side of the bed), to hear the constant complaints about headaches and abdominal cramping.  Without us, they would be lost.  With us they are annoyed.  We cannot win.  I say that men need to walk a mile in our bodies (or at least live a month or two with them at various stages of our lives) before they have the right to complain about our idiosyncrasies.

Here ends the first entry. I received quite a few comments, mostly from women agreeing with me and pointing out other things I hadn’t bothered mentioning, like the fact that our periods last for a week when it would be so much more convenient to “urinate” them out. I did get a comment from a man who had had breast cancer (rare, but it happens) and had experienced hot flashes from the medication he was required to take. One guy, though, left a comment which needed addressing, for obvious reasons. I think you’ll understand why when you read it:

Yeah but what about the sex drive? The fun goes out of it and women then make us men feel like horny toads. You shut down, but our testes continue producing sperm so now I have to go chase pre-menopausal women (20 year olds) then it's "You are unfaithful, blah blah blah" when in fact I too am just a victim of this body my consciousness has been housed in! I can't win! Oh Woe is Me!

I wrote the following entry the next day:

Today Greg left the following comment:

see above

Is this true? You guys out there who have been in long-term relationships with women (wives, lovers, et al.), when there has been a time when she was less receptive to you sexually (eg. during pregnancy, after childbirth, during menopause, etc.), were you resentful that your sexual needs were not being met and did you feel that you had to satisfy them elsewhere?

I can only speak from my own personal experience on this matter, and I’m not a guy, but I have been married to the same one for almost 25 years now. In that time, if he’s being honest with me (and I really do believe he is), neither of us has ever sought the sexual favours of anyone else. I never needed to, he has always been raring to go at the mention of that three-letter word. He, on the other hand, has had to suffer long periods of abstinence, especially around the birth of our second child. During both my pregnancies, I found penetration extremely painful, so we stopped having sex. After our son was born, I simply did not want sex. The changes in my body coupled with nursing simply took away my sex drive. My poor husband went for two years without it, but he was patient and waited until I was receptive again. He never made me feel “guilty” for not wanting it, although I knew he was looking forward to the day when I changed my mind.

There are other reasons why women may not be enthusiastic about the sex act, one of them being vulvar vestibulitis, a condition that affects around 10% of females, the symptom being pain upon penetration or pressure to the vaginal opening. These are normally functioning women in every way; they just have pain during intercourse, and so have it less or not at all or grit their teeth and bear it to keep their men happy. (Personally, I think the percentage is higher, as this is something that women will not talk about, and so many cases go undocumented.)

In those situations where a couple is in a commmitted relationship, is sex so important that if it is lacking, for whatever reason, the man needs to seek it elsewhere? I’d really like to know. Just for the record, that is.

Here ends the second entry. As you can imagine, I received quite a few comments. The first two were from women. Here they all are:

Just as all women don't have the same experience with menopause, all men don't have sex drives they can't control. Some men have very good relationships with their hands. I do have some trouble with the comparison Greg has made. Menopause happens whether or not we want it to; cheating is a choice, and some men cheat even on partners who are sexually receptive.

Of course, I'm not a man, so I can't speak to whether the hand is an adequate substitute for a woman; and I can't imagine what the testosterone-fueled sex drive feels like.
Posted 10/24/2006 at 12:57 PM by Corbow

I think Greg is making excuses. Nobody ever died from not having sex. That said... I really don't know. I'm not a guy. But Greg's comment just took my opinion of men down a couple of notches.
Posted 10/24/2006 at 2:31 PM by LadyLibellule

Well, it's time you heard from a man - and one who has been in a very long relationship. Sex and the sex - drive are important, but not all there is too life. There is tenderness, love, being together, talking together, raising children together, and many other things. Certainly, there were times that my wife was not sexually receptive and not only because of pregnancy or period - at times she was just plain tired. On the other hand, there were probably times that my wife wanted sex and I was just plain too tired - or ill. I can't speak for everyone, but my observation has been that the men who wanted sex outside of marriage were eager for it whether their wives were receptive or not.

-The Geezer
Posted 10/24/2006 at 3:43 PM by DEISENBERG

I will clue you in abit. It isn't about the sex, it is about the stroking. I, being a man, will no doubt be booted out of the secret society where man laws are written, but here is my perspective.

Men are self-centered, ego testical and thrive on being the Superman. When they aren't rocking the girls world through sex or being praised for their super powers, they do look elsewhere.

This is not true of all men. Some men like privacy and quietness and don't need sex. See the correlation? No need to have ego stroked, no need for sex.

When men whine about sex, they are really whining about attention. Stroking their ego and telling them how strong and powerful they are will go a long way.

And as stated in a pror comment, we do have our hand. A couple minutes in the bathroom cures alot.

A man who needs attention and feels it is lacking or that he is being ignored at home will go on the prowel to find someone who does treat him like Superman. Either that, or he will become a nasty fuck to where you are glad he is out of the house getting laid.

It isn't about the sex, it is about the stroking.
Posted 10/24/2006 at 3:50 PM by darian_fawkes

as is only fair, geezer took the words right out of my mouth already, but in searching carefully, i found a small contribution to add. Having sent at last count six-and-a-half quadrillion little swimming zygotes out to seek their fortune in various venues, and truly believing that the world is now a better place because of it, I say "let's eat!" That's right. If we can send a sperm to the moon, surely we can make a perfect cherry cheese-cake, available for a reasonable price, with which to drink coffee and meditate on the true, lasting meaning-of-life.. friendship. Anybody who, by the age of your posts 'inspirer', has not grasped this simple truth, can eat worms.
Posted 10/24/2006 at 4:47 PM by jsolberg

Elgan, you really have a problem with it: read my lips: NOT EVERY MAN NEEDS SEX
Some men need it, though some woman have more sex drive.

Unless it's something personal, forget it and continue posting one of those super interesting postings.
Posted 10/24/2006 at 5:32 PM by greenray

I've got to go with honesty. I also like cheesecake. and sushi. and Chinese.
Posted 10/24/2006 at 10:21 PM by nebulatravel

The "men" who responded to this probably have more estrogen in their veins then I do. I know what I need. I know I am by no means alone in this, history and the headlines back me up. Casanova? Ever heard of him? Rudolph Valentino? Oh and how about the Sultan of Brunei and his 100 wives? Pablo Picasso fathered Paloma when he was 80!

And it's not about stroking, power or attention as mentioned above, it is a real genuine physical need. Predownloaded in my mental software. I make no apologies for it. Everyone is different. Ladylabia's "down a couple of notches" comment is fine and dandy, she can go become a lesbian for all I care.

But El, I really think your husband is a fine man for telling you that it didn't bother him not having sex for 2 years. It may be true, his machine might be built differently, or maybe as that guy in the bathroom whacking off said, he took matters into his own hands. Quite frankly, I think your husband was just sparing your feeilngs.

Promiscuity and cheating ha! I've written a much used essay on that very subject years ago. Here it is.

I still find you a lovely lady. El.
Posted 10/25/2006 at 9:03 AM by Greg

i still thoroughly beelive that men are not biologically monogomous creatures. it is a social constraint.
Posted 10/25/2006 at 10:26 AM by captainbeautiful

I read all the comments and must add my own. No two people are alike so comparing them is pointless. No two relationships are alike for the same reason. yes everyone has needs and a sex drive.

But to say this person is like this because of this when you don't even know them is a little harsh.

I myself have been married for almost 25 years. Yes there have been times when she was not receptive as I would have liked for the reasons already mentioned. But now here is the twister. Lately she cannot get enough. I am more than happy to help but she is getting it at home and also seeking it elsewhere. I he never been of that mind set. So I have the opposite problem. It is not the man that wants to wander it is the woman. I been hearing of a lot of women who are uhnhappy in thier relationship that something is lacking. and now they are looking someplace else.

So see everyone is not alike
Posted 10/25/2006 at 12:18 PM by thedreamr

I can clearly state that in my head I do not have programming that says, "I must get laid by multiple women and spread my seed" With that said, do I see many women for whom I would love to have sex with. You bet I would and I don't feel guilty about it either.

I do have a girlfriend and I flat out tell her there our women that I fnatasize about. She has men that she finds attractive also. Big deal! If you feel the need to hide such lusts, it may be an issue of communication and honesty.

It is called cheating because an agreement has been made. The act of sex does not breach the agreement, the choice to do so does. Therein, is the emotional breach.

If you are the type of guy that believes he has to have many women, then be up front with the woman you are with and tell her straight out that, "Hey, I am not monogamous." It gives her the choice to tell a man to hit the road, or open pandora's box to where both the man and the woman can fuck half of the United States...guilt free and go back home to each other.

I have noticed that there is a movement towards the idea that we are mere animals and have no control over our instincts.

Animals do not have the free will that mankind does. We can choose to be monogamou, we can choose to be polygamist and yes, we can choose to be "cheaters". It is all about choice and honoring agreements. It is not some instinct that says I must stick my tool in a knot hole somewhere.

That line of thinking is akin to humans being carnivore so Dad eats the family cat and tells the kids to shut the fuck up because it is natural.

It really is about choice, power and attention.

P.S. Hookers are not paid for sex. They are paid to leave.

P.P.S. Yes I know we are omnivores..LOL
Posted 10/25/2006 at 12:20 PM by darian_fawkes

I’m tempted to follow this up with another article summarizing my findings, but I don’t really know if it’s worth it. If any of you feel you have anything to add, jump right in. The water’s fine!

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