NEWSFLASH: Intelligent women have intelligent children!
4:11 p.m.
I had an interesting conversation with my shrink yesterday. When I brought up that report about smart women not being married she said that yes, there really is a rather overwhelming pile of evidence to support that claim but that the Scylla to this particular Charibdis is that there is another fairly large body of evidence that demonstrates that while marriage tends to result in long-term benefits in mental and physical health for men, it also causes more often than not long-term loss of mental and physical health in women. So basically, the choices are: be dumb, married, and deranged or be smart, single, and sane.
Well, I cannot let this go unanswered, being both an intelligent female and happy in marriage. My mother, another intelligent female, was also happy in her marriage. She was university educated, a social worker, who married my father (a university-educated public-school teacher) at a time when most women were already written off as spinsters (she 27, he 33). She worked in children�s aid, going back to university to do a Masters in Social Work when she had three teenaged children and her aging parents were dying because she could not bear to see young people, fresh out of school, making more money than she who had been working at the same job much longer. It was she pointed out to me the same phenomenon that sea-change- mentions, that according to insurance statitstics, married men live longer and are healthier than their counterparts, while married women do not enjoy the same benefits.
I married immediately upon completion of my undergraduate degree and, while I applied and auditioned to do a masters while my husband was pursuing his graduate degree, I was not accepted to the program for whatever reason, and did not bother reapplying (although I was assured that I would have gotten in) when my chances were better. This didn�t stop me from auditing classes, continuing with my vocal studies and just hanging out with smart people, absorbing knowledge through converation and reading. Because I am not a self-motivated person, I doubt that on my own I would have continued in academia. I always knew that I wanted to get married and have a family, and even though one of my former boyfriends thought this was a great waste of my superior brain power, it has turned out to be the most important job that I could have done.
I have often bemoaned the fact that intelligent women (and couples) eschew the joys of child rearing. In my view, it is these people who should be having children, because they would stimulate them and raise them to be intelligent, thinking members of society. We already have enough �sheep�, what we need are leaders, but the people who would be producing those particular human beings have decided they would rather not. There is a certain amount of self-sacrifice that goes into having a family. Whole chunks of your life are devoted to laundry, cooking, cleaning up after food is thrown on the floor, but the tradeoffs are all the hours spent reading to a child, drawing pictures with her, and watching her grow up into a brilliant young person.
I am sure that people out there who read this, people like harri3tspy, eggsaucted and ladybug-red are nodding their heads and saying, Yes, the outlay of energy is great, but the rewards are also great. It is up to us moms (and dads) to produce a next generation which will be better than ours, and it is especially up to us �intelligent� women to make that choice before it is too late and the choice is already made for us.
from sea-change- :
I think that one of the things about those statistics that surprised me is that they were counter to my expectations - my mom is also a very smart woman who�s been happy in her marriage. Sometimes in a bitter mood I wonder if being smart could possibly be a disadvantage; I never really expected that anybody would provide substantial evidence to support that claim. I have to say, as far as the kids issue - it's a good point you make, and a valid one. It�s just a shame that women have to do the lion�s share of the sacrificing and making of hard decisions. And as long as that�s the case, I think that it�s hard to condemn anybody for making one hard decision instead of another.
from aliannmil :
Elgan, You probably don't remember mebut I was once and forever chased out of a chat room here and you were kind enough to apologize for the guilty parties. Zuzu (a terrific friend and the reason I diary here at all) sent me your last post and I wanted to thank you for you thoughts. Sometimes we have no idea (especially here where I become convinced that my words are lost to all but myself) how our musings affect others. I struggle with the fact that I am recently divorced, dating a much younger man and at 40 I am at the edge of my reproductive years. Thank you for your insight. It may not make my decision any easier but the more data (emotional or otherwise) the more accurate the equation and the closer to correct the answer.
from saucy99 :
Interesting post. I wonder though, how much of the fact that smart, ambitious women tend to be single is purely by choice, or how much of it is a question of numbers. That is, some men continue to be intimidated by smart and/or career oriented women. I still know some guys who are perfectly content dating or befriending independent, smart, career oriented women, but would never marry such a woman. Even some male members of my family have admitted that they want wives that are fairly submissive, �malleable� and that will quit work for good once the first kid comes. Anyway, just a thought. Ultimately, I think it�s a combination of both factors at play.
from teranika :
Dearest elgan, this is a fascinating topic, laden with land mines. I agree with you completely about having intelligent women raising children and contributing to the whole community of children with whom they interact. It took my best friend a few years to realize her own worth in this role. But even if it took her some time to accept this herself, I think overall in society, her role as a mother is still more acceptable than mine as a single female with an ambitious career. It does not mean that I eschew family life, but rather that it has taken me several years to find a man who isn�t terrified by my ambitions to be a good researcher and professor. Other than that I have about a thousand thoughts to share on the topic, which means it would be better over a cup of coffee. Maybe someday. I appreciated your thoughtful entry.
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