Lost and Found
8:38 a.m.
It�s the old picket-fence syndrome. I couldn�t have imagined being the devoted wife and mother � la1950�s Good Housekeeping magazine, whose only sense of adventure was adding cumin to the meatloaf. But somewhere along the line I took on the wife/mother r�le, and while I don�t regret it at all, I wonder what transformation took place that I now feel saddened that my time as child nurturer is running out. As a mother of young children, I couldn�t wait for them to grow up. Older women would always say to me (especially when I had a baby and I never got a good night�s sleep or had a garment unspat-upon to wear), �Treasure this time, it passes so quickly!� In my mind I would be thinking, �Not quickly enough!� But they were right, it passed, and now I can barely remember it. But I am not so forgetful that I would say the same thing to other young mothers. No way! What I do remember is the frustration of not understanding why they baby was crying, or how to get it to stop. Those were not good times.
Then when our friends� kids were teenagers, we got all sorts of horror stories. I have yet to complain about my teenaged children. They are normal adolescents, and they are trying to break away from the restrictions of their parents, and that is the way it is supposed to be. Maybe we don�t have problems because we recognize that, and the rebelliousness is kept to a minimum. Maybe we just have exceptional kids. Either way, I don�t think there is any potential problem that we can�t deal with, as long as it doesn�t result in death.
I know that was pretty gloomy, just there, but I was thinking about Tom and Mary and their son, who really went through a rebellious teenager stage. This boy was brilliant, could have become an engineer. Instead of keeping him in the public school system, they sent him to the s�minaire where he should have got a better education. Instead he developed a bad set of friends, got heavily involved in drug use and became a source of much anxiety to his father especially. Tom was so cool, how could a child rebel against that? But their son found a way, playing grunge music, wearing thrift-store clothes that were held together with safety pins, Doc Martens, nihilistic slogans painted on his jacket, and his hair was spiked into a pseudo-Mohawk and dyed green. At one point there was a fear he had impregnated his girlfriend (false alarm) and at another point he ended up in hospital from a drug overdose. He dropped out of CEGEP (I saw some of his artwork when he was there, and he was very talented), and it looked like life was basically over for him.
But it wasn�t. He got involved in the Katimavik programme, lived in remote parts of Canada for six months or a year, and �found� himself. Since then he has gone to flight school, graduating top of his class, and now flies bush planes into remote parts of northern Quebec. He�s really turned his life around, but it could have been disastrous. I know that his parents spent many a sleepless night on his account. Whereas, they never had any behavioural problems with his sister. She just can�t seem to decide what she wants to do with her life. Oh well, she�s not alone there.
So, I feel lucky that I have (so far) been spared these aggravations. It was a big leap to have kids in the first place since I don�t really like them that much (little ones, anyway). Sure, I get all gooey when someone walks in with a little baby, but I don�t want that part of my life back. My whole purpose was to make the world a better place by �improving� the people who lived in it. I probably was na�ve in thinking I could make a difference all on my own, but I know that at least in my own way I have succeeded.
But that�s not what this is about, is it? It�s about me having done too good a job, and little Susie and Johnny growing up and not needing me any more. Pretty soon I�ll really be experiencing �empty-nest syndrome�. It�s not such a big deal for Hubby, since he�s not as involved in their lives as I am. When the kids were really little, we split the parenting quite evenly, but once they started school he has left more and more of it to me. He�s a busy guy, and spends most of his time when he�s not at the U. composing upstairs and practising. That�s why it took so long for him to get around to sanding and revarnishing the window sashes, why the floors are still desperately in need of being redone, and why the dining room table is his own personal filing cabinet. If I hadn�t insisted on the kitchen tap being repaired as my Brumalia present, it would still be squealing unbearably.
But this isn�t about him either. It�s about me and my feelings of loss because a r�le I never really wanted is now almost over. Perhaps I should be rejoicing that this time is winding down, but after having analyzed it a bit I realize why I am feeling let down. First of all, parents develop a certain relationship with their children which is based on the provider/recipient model. Then there is the teacher/student aspect too, where you expect that your kids will absorb your values and learn from you. At some point a child develops a sense of identity and from then on is always trying to be �separate� from his parents. This is good, this is normal. However, as parents we develop a dependancy of a sort on our kids because we love them. We invest much of ourselves into them, seeing our handiwork grow and blossom. When it�s time for the fledgling to leave the nest and launch successfully into the world at large, we take a certain amount of pride and joy in that.
Unfortunately, for the child, the parent was a �necessary evil�, so to speak. He needed us to give him an environment wherein he could grow and blossom, but now that he is fully grown, he�s outta here! And it�s almost as though we are superfluous. What hasn�t changed is the fact that we still love our children, we still want them to be part of our lives, and we still want to hug them occasionally and remind ourselves that once they needed us. This is why it is so vitally important that one of the relationships a parent develop with his kids while they are still at home and relatively dependent is one of friendship, of mutual respect, and a continuing sense of an ongoing relationship. So I take an interest in what my kids read and the music they listen to and the TV they watch, because I don�t want to be left out of the loop. I want them to consider me part of their circle of friends. Maybe I�m totally out to lunch here, but so far it seems to be working.
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