Marital bliss
10:22 a.m.
Every girl has a dream of getting married in a beautiful church-like building in a white, frothy, lace gown trailing behind her as she walks slowly down the aisle, on her father's arm (or not), everyone rivetted on her and how gorgeous she is. She's blushing, of course, and there at the altar is Prince Charming, smiling devotedly at her, and they get married, and live happily ever after.
Of course, reality is not like that. Weddings are strange events, planned for weeks, perhaps months and in some extreme cases, years, in advance. They cost mucho dineros, they necessitate planning the seating so that Uncle Fred and Cousin Jake, who haven't spoken to each other for the past ten years, do not get anywhere near each other, thus causing a family altercation. There's the concern that everything is just right: the flowers, the food, the linen and silverware, the dress, and bridesmaids' dresses. My god, I am going to try to convince my daughter that she should elope.
Hubby and I did it differently, although I think he would have liked a more traditional wedding. Because his family is Catholic and mine Jewish, we needed to find a middle ground for the actual ceremony. My mother, to whom I really am grateful for having done all the work in this area, engaged the services of Mrs. Cook, a Unitarian Universalist chaplain, who provided us with a template for a service, which we altered for, and she married us in my parents' living room. My mom did all the cooking, hiring two maids to serve and clean up. We had friends supply the music during the ceremony, and there were no speeches. Thank goodness.
It was a fine affair. I made my gown, and Barb wore a nice dress she happened to have already. The only spot where I panicked at all was when I picked up the flowers from the florist, and the baby's breath for my hair was in a doughnut tightly wound around with florist's tape. Luckily, Gillian arrived early, and she helped me pull it apart and threaded it through my wavy locks. It ended looking very nice in the pictures.
I was at a mixed marriage recently. The actual ceremony was held in the banquet hall, which had been temporarily transformed into a chapel. The minister, a woman, mentioned God, but left any other religious reference out, and talked instead about the traditions surrounding marriages themselves. It was very interesting. And of course afterwards there was a reception, dinner, dancing, and way too many speeches!
But back to Jenn. She had a really nice wedding. She was married in the chapel of the bible college where her dad works, actual religion kept to a minimum, except where Mark's dad, an Anglican priest, had to make a homily invoking all the "right stuff". The reception was in her parents' house, very relaxed and a lot of fun, and then married life takes over.
Let's hear it for married life! You have to do it to understand it. There's something about that gold ring on your finger and having made all those promises in front of witnesses and having a signed piece of paper tucked away somewhere in a filing cabinet that turn it from being "a good time" into "a long time", if you get my drift. You no longer have to keep the bathroom door shut, or hide those intimate, disgusting things which you made sure "didn't exist" when you were just courting. Now the toilet seat is always left up, used sanitary napkins are visible in the garbage can, beard hairs are all over the sink, and soiled underwear is found under the bed. Wives go without makeup and in ratty bathrobes while husbands don't change their socks for days. Now that we are married, we can be ourselves!
It's too much to ask that courting behaviour carry over into married life. It's not going to happen, no way. And so, if a spouse is generally a happy person, easy to get along with, charming to colleagues and aquaintances, it is perfectly natural that he will need an outlet for his angsts, his insecurities, the things that really bother him, in a safe and non-judgmental environment, i.e. at home. Before people marry, they should interview former roommates to find out what this guy (or gal) is like, really.
Unfortunately, the other spouse married one person and ends up living with another. Where is that friendly, happy guy I met at Susan's party? Who is this slob who burps and farts and leaves beard hairs all over the sink, and doesn't listen to me and gets mad at me for the slightest things? Guess what! You're both right! And the only solution is improved marital communication.
Here is an area in which I am experienced without being an expert. Men, as a rule, don't communicate, at least not in plain language. When they're happy, they're like puppy dogs, wagging tails, wanting to run after the ball or stick. When they're upset, they become distant, get angry for no apparent reason, won't talk about anything, even when you ask "What's the matter dear?" and generally are very difficult to live with.
I have made many mistakes dealing with Hubby when he's like this. The worst possible thing to do is get angry back. The WORST! That's the road to divorceville. However, that is the first reaction of a wife when her husband is angry. It takes a saint to smile sweetly and just make a nice casserole for supper and put out his pipe and slippers and newspaper. I find that distraction works relatively well. A funny movie, a delicious meal, sex. They all work to certain degrees. Also ignoring the man can be a sometimes-successful tactic. If you actually leave the house, though, he may feel that you are slighting him, and get all hurt feeling. Basically, you have to treat a man like a big pet. Soothe him with treats, make him feel "special". He'll (hopefully) eventually open up and let enough out that you can actually start to talk about the problem.
But this doesn't address what women are to do when they have problems with their men. The solution to that is to have women friends to whom she can talk and vent her frustrations, and that should be enough. It depends on what the problems are, though.
I just noticed that this is extremely long and wordy, and I don't feel like editing, so I will stop now.
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