Querito ergo sum
8:25 p.m.
Secondly, I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Students around me are getting sick and I am warding off illness with massive doses of echinacea and positive thinking. Both lessons I taught today were lackluster, the one because she was worried about her Faur�, the other because he is ill. His Faur� is actually going to be fine if he remembers to do what I tell him. I needn�t worry, they never do remember. Watching my students perform on their juries is akin to seeing a great eraser clean off a slate blackboard. Everything I put on there disappears in one sweep of the felt.
Thirdly, I am once again caught up in department politics, through no desire of my own, and I watch as I am made to appear to be a bad guy by those who would rather I were not there. For instance, I was elected by my fellow part-time music fellows to represent them in faculty meetings. Now one of the full-time profs is calling into question the legality of that election because I did not consult with teachers who are not teaching this year, but are still considered part of the collective agreement. This was no deliberate omission on my part, but an oversight due to my not being properly informed on procedure, if this is in fact the case. However, the word used regarding this omission (and I got this from a colleague who heard it from the part-time faculty union rep who was approached by my own full-time colleague) was �malicious�. Excuse me, this goes too far. When I heard this, I felt as though a large, hairy animal with claws was sitting on my chest, breathing in my face. I don�t need this crap, thank you. I have sent an email to my union rep asking for a t�te � t�te to discuss this issue.
All I want is to teach my students. They are my whole raison d��tre for being there in the first place. I don�t want to get involved in department meshugas, I just want to be able to do my job in reasonable working conditions and in such a way that it is enjoyable to my students and to me. If part of ensuring that working conditions are reasonable is to be the rep for my colleagues and no one else wants to do the job, then I�ll do it, but not if it means being the subject of a smear campaign on campus. This I do not need. I am a good person, I am not �malicious�. If anything, it is others who have treated me with contempt and malice these past few years. It�s almost enough to make me want to quit, but if I did, it would be my students who would be short changed in the long run, and those assholes in the office would have won. I will not give them the satisfaction.
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