To dissolve into a dew...

In true pathetic fallacy, it has been raining for two days, with another two in the forecast, perfect as a reflection of my mood. Last night as I was sitting at the computer, having just finished a page of orchestra score, half-heartedly watching a chat channel I frequent scroll by, trying to tweak a poem I’ve been working on for a while, I realized that I was feeling an inquietude, that I was not comfortable in my own skin. I logged out, shut down and went to bed, although that didn’t make much difference. I woke this morning (after a night interrupted by hot flashes) just as tired as I was the evening before.

My mother telephoned again today, complaining that she is not happy in her present predicament. She suspects collusion in placing her in the residence, and I have to remind her constantly that she is there by her own choosing. She is unproductive and bored, and this adds to her sense of uselessness. I think she believes that if she were on her own somewhere, having to do for herself, she would be happier. Perhaps. But she would still be alone, and it is the sense of isolation that is the worst. At least where she is she is getting three meals a day (very good meals, actually), her housekeeping and laundry are taken care of, and there are people on hand to see to her medical needs.

I dwell on this too much. It is taking up more of my head space than I can afford to spend on it. It is also compounded by other, unrelated, emotions. I felt that I wanted to just walk away from everything, turn into stone and feel nothing. Except I don’t want to feel nothing. I long for a sense of calm, of quiet and safety. Sometimes it would be nice to revert to a childlike state, where the problems of the world don’t concern me and others worry in my stead.

I just don’t want to deal with this anymore.

|

<~~~ * ~~~>