Yes, no and maybe.
8:00 a.m.
from zuzus-petals :
I wouldn�t send that. - Zu
from tcklyrpharsn :
Hmm, now I�m curious. Why shouldn�t she send that, Zu? Personally I think it�s wonderful that you�re thinking of sending her an honest email. I mean, if I were to write it myself, I�d leave out the Xian stuff all together, but I�m not writing it, you are, and if that�s a big thing for you, then leave it in. But I am curious as to why Zu would say don�t send it. I got a little misty, hoping that maybe you two might patch it up...?
from zitagsd :
Oh yes, you must send her a note, now that you have her address, but not the one you composed. That�s just it, it seems too composed and too formal. Yes, it is from the heart, but it seems to have gone through the brain on the way to the keyboard -- and thus gotten a bit too stiff, and a bit too defensive.
from zuzus-petals :
Well, I think Zita hit on some of why you shouldn�t send it. There is a push and pull in the missive, a giving and a taking back. There are some things that if they are said at all, should be said in person. This is my opinion - only my opinion. Saying, �I�m sorry and I miss you� are fine things to say in email - most everything else in the missive are meant to be said face-to-face or not at all. When someone is facing a life threatening illness, they often feel disempowered.. dare I say, to some degree, powerless over the course of life. If you say, �without hearing your wishes, your desire, I drive by your house without stopping out of concern for your health� - personally I don�t think you offer an excuse, but rather another thing to apologize for. You took the choice away from her as to what�s good or bad for her health and then use it to explain your behavior. I think there is a million ways your words could be misunderstood, not received the way you intend them. Be kind, concise, save the explaining for when you�re sitting with her and holding her hand, looking in her eyes and holding the spectrum of responses - hers and your own. Just my thoughts. If I were to receive the letter you write, I don�t feel I�d receive it kindly - and yet I sense you mean it so very kindly.. I believe your intentions are good, I really do... but, but, but... If you want more line-by-line explanation, I could do that via a private email. - Zu
I purposefully posted that letter before sending (it is still unsent) because I wanted feedback as I value the opinion of my fellow D-landers greatly. Zuzu, I already know from your notes to me that you are an �in person� kind of person, that you yourself might go for years without calling someone but don�t see it in anyway as a betrayal of the relationship, merely because you prefer your conversations to be across a table with coffee. I like that, I think it�s great, but if you were reading my letter attentively, you would have noticed that I cannot be in the addressee�s close proximity because, while she is undergoing chemotherapy, she is shunning the company of others so as to minimize the risk of infection with her already compromised immune system. You also don�t know me at all apart from my diary and the face I have chosen to reveal here. I have an extremely volatile personality and do not keep my cool well under pressure. If I were to say these things, things which I feel very deeply, in person, my voice would crack, I would get a shortness of breath, I would lose all composure, and the things would not come out the way I intended them. This way I know that I am saying exactly what I mean.
The person who has known me the longest here, zitagsd, has hit the nail on the head when she says that on the way to the keyboard the letter has got �a bit too defensive�. It�s true. Since the addressee is not totally blameless in this matter (and she ought to know she isn�t, although there is a good possibility that she thinks she is and considers me to be the villain, but that is another story) I do not want to have to bear the brunt of the blame when it comes to apologizing for my lack of support and friendship in her time of need. If anything, I want her to forgive me, not for neglecting our friendship, but for the things which have actually got in the way of that relationship. Now, there is a possibility that she can�t imagine why I have been hurt by that �dirty water under the bridge�, but if she ever loved me (and she at one time confessed that she thought that �loyalty� was her greatest tie to me), then she will forgive.
The other note from tcklyrpharsn, of course, was the one I really wanted to get, not because she gives me the green light, but she is the only person here who actually knows all the characters involved. It took many attempts to get that paragraph about the Xian stuff just right, but I feel that I really have to know if that is in fact an obstacle to my continued friendship with the Duchess. It never seemed to be a problem before. but since Vlad brought it up, there has been a niggling doubt in my mind which I can�t so readily dismiss.
I haven�t sent this letter yet. I may not ever send it. The exercise may have been in the writing only. It just hurts me that I have always put the effort into this relationship to keep it going, even at its height, and it is still up to me to rekindle the flame of friendship. I have to ask myself: Am I doing this for myself? Am I doing it for the Duchess? Do I feel sorry for her now that she is ill? Would I still feel this way if she were healthy? I am angry and hurt that the �third persons� of whom I spoke have managed so artfully and finally to have driven in that wedge, but if we had been such good friends in the first place, would that have happened? I will never know unless I do have that heart-to-heart talk with her face-to-face, as Zuzu suggests. But I don�t know if that will ever happen, and her email address is all I have.
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