Brotherly bonds and fraternal fetters.
8:54 a.m.
Yesterday was my mother-in-law�s birthday and, after several attempts, my husband was finally able to reach her by telephone to wish her happy returns and have a chat. It seems that there is one in every family (as I have probably mentioned before), and the one in his family is his oldest brother. (The one in my family is either my next older brother or me, depending on whom you talk to.) D, being the firstborn, and male, carries around much baggage with him which is the territory of those who happen to share that distinction. The firstborn is the one the new parents make all their mistakes on. He is the one who blazes the trail for those who come after him, and he is also the one who carries around the most resentment because of his guinea-pig status and consequently damaged psyche. Being male, however, he is not likely to get over it, if you know what I mean.
So D (a civil engineer) married B (a nurse) approximately 30 years ago. He is no longer in his original line of work (engineers seldom stay engineers) but is recently retired from being involved with cellular technology. They have two children, a beautiful daughter who is now a social worker and a son who is studying hotel management. As a couple, D and B have always been a little distant from the rest of us, but in recent years have pushed at the bonds of brotherhood and the fetters of fraternity to create quite a rift between themselves and their siblings.
My mother-in-law loves to shop and gift people with her gleanings. Personally I find her taste not to be my taste, and the things (i.e. clothing) she gives me almost invariably end up going to the less fortunate through drop boxes and other charitable means. I would never tell her that I don�t appreciate her choices though because she takes such pleasure in the r�le of Mrs. Santa. Once the gift is mine, however, I feel I can do what I want with it. Several years ago my brother-in-law told her he no longer wanted her buying clothing for him or anyone in his family, and he even went so far as to return the ties which she had lovingly picked out for him. She was crushed. It�s a terrible thing when a parent is rejected by her offspring. We try to hang on as long as we can, but to be told in plain language that we are superfluous hurts like hell.
This thoughtless and cruel action on D�s part sparked a schism in the family. Hubby�s next older brother would have nothing to do with him, as would neither his younger (that is another story to be told another time). His sister tried to keep the peace, but she was disgusted as well by her elder sibling�s selfishness and lack of tact. We tried to stay neutral, but were still unhappy. This followed on years of having to make �appointments� to see him and his family, his opting out of the annual Christmas gift exchange when the kids were still little (we�ve stopped doing it now finally), and generally acting like a snob.
D and B are both grossly overweight; in fact, in profile they resemble their initials. This is significant because six or so years ago, before he was even 50 yet, D suffered from a serious stroke. His wife didn�t know what to do (she being a nurse yet) and his kids were totally useless. My in-laws, the salt of the earth that they are, came home from Florida where they winter (this was just before Christmas) and took care of the family until B got her act together and D was discharged from the hospital. He still walks with a cane. The doctor of course ordered him to lose weight, which he did, but it is not apparent to me in any way that it has stayed off, and he actually looks like he might be heavier than he was before. B has no clue how to prepare healthful, low-calorie meals and the couple eats out often, especially now that the children are no longer at home.
After the stroke, D realized that family is important, and tried to warm up to people again. The other brother and sister started inviting him again to family gatherings (for the July birthday party they have to specify on the invitation that it is a �family gathering� as D & B have expressed displeasure that certain family members have their birthdays celebrated while others do not) and the last time I saw him was at my sister- and brother-in-law�s 25th-anniversary party last summer. But they do not go out of their way to reciprocate at all.
On the phone last night, Hubby�s mother related how her brother�s Christmas card to D & B was returned in the mail, even though he had addressed it correctly. No one in the family received a greeting card from them (and now that I think of it, Hubby didn�t get one for his birthday either, something D used to send, nor did I get one for mine). When my mom-in-law called recently, she had a very brief, terse conversation with her daughter-in-law, consisting of monosyllables basically. One gets the feeling that this particular family unit is trying to separate itself from the very people who gave it nurture. It is very strange.
Needless to say, my sister-in-law�s response reminds me of my own brother�s wife�s actions, her attempts to distance her husband from his own family, and it makes me wonder if B is doing the same thing. Well, it�s pretty damned obvious that she is. The only person in that family who actually stays in contact with us, sending greeting cards, is their daughter. It saddens me. Life is too short and fragile, as D should realize, to isolate yourself from the ones who love you. It�s the mothers I feel sorriest for in all this: mine because of the rift between me and my brother; my mother-in-law because of the rejection she experiences at the hands of her oldest and his spouse. Okay, I feel for my father-in-law too. Let�s not forget the dads in all this.
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