A mid-August rant
4:26 p.m.
More and more little things are conspiring to make me want to leave this idyllic place we occupy, both professional and political (the two go hand in hand in this business), and I am also having serious doubts about my own abilities as both a teacher and a performer. I think that it really is time to make changes in my life.
Don�t get me wrong, I love singing, but it has never been a passion for me the way guitar is a passion for my husband. When I say �passion�, that means an activity which must be pursued no matter what. When I�m singing, I love it. When I�m not, I don�t miss it. That means that I�m not very passionate about it. I really like teaching, but several recent revelations make me wonder if I should really be in this business. Likewise with performing; I�m beginning to think that maybe I�m not really good enough.
So Hubby�s increasing interest in blues and jazz might be just the ticket I need to change my focus, get out of the classical singing business and into something which is more fun and less prone to criticism. Because, the performing schtick is incredibly exposed. Everyone is a critic, and the dependency of certain concert venues on government grants relies on the committee members liking what they hear. Since the people reviewing submissions have their own tastes and subjective views, my performance isn�t going to please everyone. And in this case, it didn�t and the word is that I am not good enough. Which hurts. A lot.
I knew that at a certain point (like when I hit menopause) my voice wasn�t going to be as good as it once was and I would have to quit performing. But the funny thing is that my voice is better than it has ever been. I just don�t understand what people want from me. I�m considering tapering off on the university teaching, finishing off the students who will be doing recitals or who want to continue with me, and then calling it quits. There are tons of good singing teachers out there who would love my job. They are welcome to it.
As for performing, I�m really starting to love the jazz and blues. It makes different demands on me, both technically and musically, and I�m ready for something different. I also want to pursue the writing angle more. I�ve discovered that I definitely do have a passion for that. And then there�s my continuing education in the continuing education department. I want to take more Latin courses, more fine arts courses, and keep learning for as long as I can. I�m just sick of doing stuff for which I feel unappreciated and undercompensated.
As I get older, I realize that life is ultimately meaningless, which is why it is so precious. We have to make the most of the short span of years we get, so why should I have to put up with the bullshit at the university or that the arts councils dish out? I don�t. And I�m not going to anymore.
from teranika :
Dear Elgan, my mother raised me to believe that we will have at least seven careers in our lives. As I grow older this statement means more and more to me...you may be faced with setbacks in two of your careers, but you are a woman of many talents. Anytime you feel dissatisfied with your achievements in one area, I hope that you can step back and see your beauty, talent, and contribution as a whole person.
from krugerpak007 :
Yes, life is way too short. Go with your dreams, and go where your heart takes you. Good luck! xoxox
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