Elgan speaks
...and her words thunder across the land

She won�t be a manor lady.

Wednesday, Jun. 2, 2004
8:35 a.m.
Just before heading out the door last night to go to my writing group (click back for my pig poem), my mom called. She had been thinking about my offer to bring her to L�ville and find a place in the Manor for her and it had sounded perfect except for one thing: she wouldn�t see my brother. He wouldn�t drive the 7-8 hours to see her (even though we have been making this trip for 17 years now) and as a result she would never see him. Even though I live a day�s drive away, I still spend precious telephone time with her, which he would not. So, she had made her decision not to move to the Eastern Townships to be near her daughter who would lavish loving attention on her, because she would rather have a perfunctory acquaintance with her son who puts the bare minimum into their relationship.

Believe me, if she goes into a senior�s home, which is appearing more and more likely, it will be the bare minimum. My brother plays the r�le of �dutiful son� with his weekly visits, his work around the house, and the obligatory cup of tea. But he never reveals any information about himself or his family and my mother has to practically pull teeth to find out what her granddaughters are doing. As I�ve mentioned, his wife dislikes my mother intensely and has simply stopped asking her over for meals altogether. I can�t see that moving into a residence is going to change things for the better. I even said to her that it was not my intention to stuff her in an old-folks home and forget about her. If I could afford the space and had the mental fortitude, I would even have offered to have her live with us. Of course then my brother would never visit. I can�t see him accepting the olive branch I�ve been dangling any time soon.

So I was a little depressed when I headed out the door, as well as a little relieved. But the sense of relief also left me feeling a little guiltridden. What a strange mixture of emotions. On the one hand I would love to have my mother nearby where I could make sure that she was being taken care of, and on the other I know it would be an enormous demand on my time and energy, as well as my mental wellbeing. I had already been planning how we would have her to supper at least once a week, take her to concerts, outings, and try to include her in our lives here. I know that if she stays in Toronto my brother will visit her for one-half hour every week and it will be painful for him to the max. She thinks he will still take her for walks as he used to, but I don�t see her getting strong that fast and by then the habit will die from disuse, as well as his sense of obligation.

Personally, I think she�s making a mistake. But she loves her son (as she loves me and her other son) and does not want to separate herself from him because she too knows that he will not make the effort to visit her here. There is something terribly wrong with this picture and I am loathe to articulate it too clearly because I don�t want to paint my brother as a total shmendrik. But if that is what she really wants, then I will abide by her wishes. I just think she�s making a mistake.

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